I went straight back into writers block since I shared my last post ‘Barefoot in the snow’. I’ve struggled to read it too. Truth be known I’m still feel the trauma of 2020 and my body is healing since I dishonoured my own soul voice and allowed a trial vaccine to be injected into me causing a relapse. I should have known better after the rapid decline my body went through with the pharmaceutical drugs given to me in 2020. What I do have is a dysfunctional vascular system that not only struggles with me doing too much or doing too little, that is constantly trying to find a balance so I can live a normal-ish version of my life, but my cells are responsive to everything that is good for me and everything that is bad for me. From food, to movement, toxins, to my environment, to my inner peace. My body is has given me a clear insight to how to heal, both physically and spiritually, and one thing I know for sure is can’t spent my energy putting off being me… I can no longer dishonour my soul and to hold back my own truth. I’ve been discredited and had my life turned upside down, but it got me here. I’m now on a new path, that came from making decisions from deep within my soul and taking care of me, and without pharmaceuticals! My body is of this earth, and just as I would choose not to poison the soil, the water, the air, I choose not to poison myself. This amazing ecosystem that is my body, is regenerative, and everyday I marvel at its ability to heal, as I step closer everyday to my body coming back into balance once again.

I’ve found my self wanting to edit ‘Barefoot in the snow’ especially the regret of refusing to leave the hospital knowing what I know now, but from where I was at that time, I know the absolute courage it took to honour that roar inside of me, while knowing I would be discredited, with nothing concrete on a test, yet I had a body telling me exactly what was going on for me. I wanted to scream and say that people were dying, not just because of what doctors could see, but because of what they couldn’t see. At the time the hospital felt like my only hope of recovery via access to a test I was never going to get until I was actually in heart failure (while fighting to try and prevent that happening… an upside down fucked up system in my mind). The guts that took was beyond any I had tapped into prior to that. It was the biggest crash course in handling judgement. All that while suffering unimaginably on a physical level.

It took another inner roar to reveal what I had been through, so essential for my own growth into my truth. It was a story of healing, an important one I would not forgive myself for not sharing as I would have benefited so much had somebody shared that experience with me. To know my body could overcome all that when death often felt like the only way out. My body was not ready to cope with a virus in 2020, as I was already experiencing tiredness, aching limbs, seriously heavy periods, low vitamin D, low feretin, eating a high carb diet and never replenishing those iron stores enough while going through perimenopause, and all that comes with that. The vaccine was certainly not the answer! As well as the feeling that something was seriously amiss in the health system. Also, that drugs made my illness so much worse, from functioning with ill health for months, then when medicated a rapid decline being unable to do anything for myself. Especially the months on the beta blocker when I was having painful angina attacks, and my whole body felt like it was in a state of suffocation . When I could feel the build up of pressure all over my body and especially in my neck and left arm, but mainly on my heart side, the convulsions, and the fear of an impending aneurism. I could barely get an hour of sleep at a time, and only by lying on my front as my vessels struggled indescribably in any other position. The tremors and buzzing all over my body. Trapped in my body, struggling to move even to the next room.

Our hearts do NOT work alone. There is a system of cells that run along the 60-100 thousand miles vascular system in our body and it is called the endothelium. It is the conveyor belt for our blood. It is the flow within us. So what would happen if this system of flow gets damaged If the cells no longer function properly? Whether it be extreme tiredness, brain fog, being unable to exercise without doing harm, or to the extent when our hearts would need to work harder to compensate. Bouts of tachycardia and constant irregular heart rate, angina attacks etc. I see that was what my body needed to do to balance itself out as best it could, yet I was on a drug to try and stop it from doing that and I suffered so much more. Then coming off the drug and an even sicker body than before, with test results on my record that look normal (yes my heart structure was perfectly healthy), and an irratic heart rate again, so when nothing can be seen on a scan (as your vessel lining cells can’t) so therefore somebody can be wrongly diagnosed as having a functional disorder. Where are the endophelial function tests? Why couldn’t I even have a privately paid for right heart catheter, yet I can have a catheter for an angiogram? WHO writes the protocol? (deliberate play on words). I wanted nothing more than to leave my parents care and be on my daily walk in nature, I longed to be at home, pottering about in my garden, in my kitchen, being with my son, singing and dancing. Now on reflection I’m so glad I didn’t get what I fought for as no intervention was needed other than deep rest, gradual movement as my body healed, and care.. Our cells are truly amazing and regenerative. The stretch of cells that were damaged healed, and with that the whole system running through my body was able to function again.. the buzzing stopped, the fluctuations of pressure felt around my body. The angina stopped. The constant struggle to move. The conveyor belt was no longer broken. The best feeling I’ve ever experienced. Until, I fucked up and ignored my gut voice not to mess with my cells, and got vaccinated. Never again. By being backed into a corner by the system once again, I let it all just fall away, so once again I come into a place of acceptance. Trusting that life was taking me down a different path. One that brought me again to a place where deep healing can take place.